From My Perspective- This is not a Family History Part 12
Parents & Government
The suffering existing because of my mother and father continues to resurface. The cause is the guilt of my own doing. In so much as I can claim, when I look for answers when confusion rises the conversation inevitably sparks resentment.
I was listening to Aboriginal radio this morning. The two men were speaking of horrific events 135 years ago when the U.S.A. government massacred 200 indigenous men, women, and children. They talked about revolution and reattaining what is rightfully theirs. They spoke of 90 million acres of reserve land stolen from their protection. Their words were of war, not of civil discourse. I thought of the suffering with my parents. A microscopic comparison, but I noticed the same resentment. I do want retribution.
I want retribution for all minorities afflicted by ignorance. The native men talked of the general who ran the massacre, and how the general’s accomplishments were exalted even celebrated by the Obama administration. Do the aboriginals of North/South America, Australia, New Zealand deserve resolution?
With my parents, the causation of their actions were detrimental to my upbringing. The present moves swiftly forth documenting the victims of history without a consequence. Prison, revenge, re-establishing land ownership will not reconcile the awful path of history made. The retribution is in how we effect the present moment. A part of me wants to have the love and focus I desire. My situation in the lower middle-class is a norm. There is a sickness in the house-hold, in politics, which allows parents and governments to make terrible decisions. Their choices are affecting the well-being of those they look to protect; the children of the home, and the citizens of our countries.
Their decisions ill affecting the lowest castes of society, will always occur. The weakest will become the strongest, and the strongest will damage the weakest. The issue is in the suicide rates. Aboriginal suicide rates are high, suicide rates of men in the double standard system in which feminism has gone too far is high, the suicide rate of teenagers too young adulthood because of child abuse is high. When I faced suicide and couldn’t commit, I knew I would find a way to live inside the social injustice, but I vowed to work to change what I could. I have only changed myself a few degrees. With 177 degrees to go the world looks great, the world looks awful, neutrality is of realism with each decision.
Inspiration & Purpose
From 2012 on I was focused predominantly on finding money to support Owen, myself, and my passions. His presence cannot be down-played. If there isn’t Owen there isn’t work ethic for construction, with him there is a great purpose to work. When two purposes intersect blindly there is an inner conflict sustained in tunnel vision. The purpose I predestined was the vision of creative creation, and then there was the down to earth necessity to carefully protect my son. For him I have a love as deep and as rare as the oceanic life of the pacific basin. We can only see this love in passion, in parenting of any kind.
Owen’s life is the only force to ever awaken my desire for worldly possession, so I may provide as parents have done for all of history. This drive is built on the foundation of fear! I am afraid he will not love me, or he will not become the best version of himself. For the last half decade the heart which awoke out of a stupor, a depression, a suicide, wasn’t forgotten.
Compassion isn’t only for others but for ourselves. 2018 started with the same fear. I am going to lose my creative drive (as happened in 2012 with Owen).
When people talk about their children as the only purpose for living, and give up on taking care of themselves, they hurt their children, their partners, their friends. Over emotion is abuse. Over happy, sad, angry, neglectful, entitled, aggression, are all examples. I can relate this to my parents. They were over zealous, over the mountains evangelical, neglectful to each other until the neglect sprinkled in the distance between us and them. Over happy when we were neutral, or over sad. The thoughts of our inner minds are the source of the emotional overages. Humans are not balanced. We are both predator and prey simultaneously. It is our allegorical goal to balance our minds and our societies.
My goal is no different. With the drive to achieve I struggle with time and family and friends demand for time balancing a reaction reflecting my personal goals to achieve with their demand for time and demand for a neutral ( sometimes positive) reaction to their replica of a lifestyle.
How Do I Balance This?
The Buddha provides an eight-fold path to balancing the mind, with the aim of dissolution of a monk. I do not think this path is realistic for a ‘doing’ being. I am a being which believes art, literature, dance, and comedy are essential assets to a society. The Suttras are guides for monks, much like Various Positions by Leonard Cohen is a guide for artists. Various Positions isn’t a step by step guide, but the books artistry awoke an undeniable urge to create. The Suttras do the same for a person who wishes to sacrifice their own worldly passions for a righteous deterministic goal of dissolution.
In the process of meeting the half-half version of myself, who can ‘do’ but not ‘harm’ I’ve discovered will not happen. To offer sentient beings their right to peace I must ‘let go’ of the world. The only approach then is to accept my imperfections, the ignorance of doing harm regardless of its negative affect on sentient beings, and understand the harm of action ripples out into the selfish sea of creation.
How Can I live In Awareness Of My Ignorance?
A person who chooses to ‘do’ chooses to harm. Living in awareness of harming others is pathological and limited. Although a person has chosen to live in awareness of harming others, the awareness will eventually cause the individual to choose awareness of attachment as an influence over ignorance of action, bringing one to ‘let go’ of worldly attachments. Much like the attachments of the desire senses guide people to extremes of perversion, so will the awareness of all things influence the self to more awareness and deeper insight.
I may say letting go of the harm I cause will let me live creatively, but I will eventually let go of my attachment to creativity. The reason I believe this is that even though a persons pathology may be strong it will always be self observed by the lens of awareness. It takes trauma or the observation of trauma to heighten awareness. With the seeds of awareness planted and inevitable trauma coming, deeper insight being the sprout of the seed, the plant being the path, a person cannot escape the oxygen of plants, and to kill the plant would be to kill the self. Awareness is an essential inherent seed of all minds. All that needs to be done is to crack the shell and the plant will grow from within. After that a person has a limited time before they begin to see things as they are. So create while you can creative people, but avoid watering the plant and ignorance will be your friend, art will be filled with egoism, and truth will be lost.